In Trying to Mock Trump’s Mind, Cuomo Invents ‘Department of Handland’ Security

You can’t write comedy this good. In opening Thursday’s PrimeTime, host Chris “Fredo” Cuomo, whose nickname comes from the dumb brother in The Godfather and who failed to correctly identify a rhino on a cognitive assessment test, raged at President Trump and insisted he was bungling the COVID response because “his judgment may not just be bad. It may be impaired.” But several minutes later, and after he mocked Trump’s mispronunciations, Fredo invented a new federal law enforcement agency: the “Department of Handland” Security.

“Now, we had assumed the President was refusing to help us with testing because he was making a political calculation, but, regrettably, we may have been wrong. Today this President gave us reason to believe that his judgment may not just be bad. It may be impaired,” Fredo proclaimed, coming to the defense of Cuomo-family friend, Joe Biden at the top of the show.

After playing an edited soundbite of Trump calling out Biden for wanted to gut the Second Amendment and blasting his religious devotion, Fredo lashed out. “Those are the rantings of someone shouting at the sky and hoping for spare change,” he shouted.

Cuomo proceeded to return fire for Biden and question Trump’s religion and insisted “it is time to take a look at his fortitude.” It was clear that Cuomo was acting as a Biden surrogate because he tried to throw the Trump campaign’s tactic of questioning Biden’s mental state back at them.

Mocking the President for his mispronunciations, Fredo declared: “This man messes up words more than any sober talker I’ve ever heard.” But when Fredo came back around to why Trump botched the COVID response, he inserted his foot into his mouth and invented a new DHS:

I had assumed that he wasn’t doing what was so obvious in this pandemic, what is being told him by the people around him on the Task Force, Health and Human Services, Department of handland — Homeland Security, people coming to him saying, “rapid testing.”

 

 

At one point, the raging CNN host rhetorically asked his meager viewers, “why is this happening with him?” “Is it what he puts on his hair and face? Is it seeping into his brain, devouring his intellect, taking reason prisoner,” he speculated.

If this comes down to a battle with Biden about mental acuity, I don’t know that’s a race he wants to run,” Fredo sneered, taking the side of his daddy’s friend. In saying that, he teed himself up to chide Trump for boasting about acing a cognitive test, the same test he epically failed:

CUOMO: There very well could be something going on here even though this President is desperately trying to prove there isn’t and this is desperate.

TRUMP: Then you go person, woman, man, camera, TV. They say, that’s amazing. How did you do that? I do it because I have like a good memory because I’m cognitively there.

Covering up how Biden had once said that he had taken cognitive assessment tests, Fredo boasted about how “Biden has confirmed he hasn’t taken a cognitive test along the lines of what they give people to see whether they are suffering from Alzheimer’s.” He then played a highly-edited clip of the interview where Biden asked a black journalist if he was a junkie.

“I had assumed that it was about a political calculation, but what if the truth is this President doesn’t have the ability to calculate? Looking through that lens, maybe that’s why all this crazy talk comes out of his face,” Fredo concluded.

The irony of Fredo, a man who makes a fool out himself on a regular basis, trying to rip someone else for supposedly being mentally “impaired,” was rich.

This self-own against Fredo was made possible because of lucrative sponsorships from T-Mobile and Sandals Hotels & Resorts. Their contact information is linked if you want to tell them about what they’re funding.

The transcript is below, click “expand” to read:

CNN’s Cuomo PrimeTime
August 6, 2020
9:00:23 p.m. Eastern

CHRIS CUOMO: Now, we had assumed the President was refusing to help us with testing because he was making a political calculation, but, regrettably, we may have been wrong. Today this President gave us reason to believe that his judgment may not just be bad. It may be impaired. Did you hear this?

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: He is going to do things that nobody would ever, would ever think even possible. [Transition] Take away your guns, destroy your Second Amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the Bible, hurt God. He’s against God.

CUOMO: Those are the rantings of someone shouting at the sky and hoping for spare change. A man responsible for my and your family really believes that a political opponent is trying to “hurt God” and “hurt the Bible?” Whatever that means.

(…)

CUOMO: But the time has come to look past his faith. It is time to look at this man’s behavior through the lens not just of a man who simply lacks moral agency but, perhaps, basic cogency.

(…)

I don’t think, though his is just about faith. I really believe it is time to take a look at his fortitude. Listen to this attack on Biden.

TRUMP: Did you ever watch Biden? Where he’s always saying the wrong state. It’s great to be in Florida. Florida. No. It’s Ohio! [Transition] I love the state of Iowa. Sir, sir, it’s Idaho. [Transition] He does it all the time. There’s something going on.

CUOMO: Something going on. He looks like he’s melting. That’s what’s going on. I mean, if he really wants to apply that standard, if that’s what you want to do, let’s do it to him. This is from today.

TRUMP: And to avoid liability, shifting production to thigh land and to Vietnam.

CUOMO: Thigh land? Hooked on Phonics much? The “Th” goes as just “T” as in Thailand. Maybe a Freudian slip, the word thigh. I don’t know if it’s phonics or basic brain function. And by the way, I give him a pass. Yeah, that t-h-a-i can be kind of tricky there, if it were a one-off. But this man messes up words more than any sober talker I’ve ever heard.

(…)

CUOMO: Look, the question, why is this happening with him? Is it what he puts on his hair and face? Is it seeping into his brain, devouring his intellect, taking reason prisoner?

(…)

CUOMO: If this comes down to a battle with Biden about mental acuity, I don’t know that’s a race he wants to run. There very well could be something going on here even though this President is desperately trying to prove there isn’t and this is desperate.

TRUMP: Then you go person, woman, man, camera, TV. They say, that’s amazing. How did you do that? I do it because I have like a good memory because I’m cognitively there.

CUOMO: Biden has confirmed he hasn’t taken a cognitive test along the lines of what they give people to see whether they are suffering from Alzheimer’s. Here is his response.

JOE BIDEN: No, I haven’t taken a test. Why the hell would I take a test? Come on, man.

CUOMO: Look, the President has raised a really important issue. I had assumed that he wasn’t doing what was so obvious in this pandemic, what is being told him by the people around him on the Task Force, Health and Human Services, Department of handland — Homeland Security, people coming to him saying, “rapid testing.”

(…)

I had assumed that it was about a political calculation, but what if the truth is this President doesn’t have the ability to calculate? Looking through that lens, maybe that’s why all this crazy talk comes out of his face. Maybe that’s the answer.

(…)

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